Transfer student declared Freak by process of elimination
OCT 14, 2001 - Local Wiseass Gary Trimer, furrowing his brow in disgust, today declared his roommate, recent transfer student Bobby Gephardt to be "Total and complete FREAK, Freakasaurus Rex even."
To back up his claim, Mr. Trimer sites the well known and nationally accepted Classification system of college students.
"There are only so many kinds of college students." he explained. "They include Jocks, Nerds, Geeks, Freaks, Slackers and Wiseasses. Each student belongs to no more and no less than one of these categories. Using the time honored technique of process of elimination, I have deduced that Bobby here is DEFINITELY a Freak."
"I mean he doesn't play organized sports or make fun of the other kids, so he can't be a Jock. But he doesn't giggle or stammer around girls, listens to metal and hip-hop, and doesn't, as far as I know, play Dungeons and Dragons, so he's not a Geek either."
"Furthermore," he continued, "he gets good grades in school and doesn't smoke pot, so he's not a slacker for SURE... but he also doesn't study for tests much except the day right before, and I've never noticed him talking about how fun his statistics class is, so if he's a Nerd he's hiding it really well."
"It does get a bit trickier from here... I'm almost 100% sure at this point that he's not a wiseass, because even though he makes jokes fairly often, he also goes into these huge speeches about philosophy and the the theories of Orientalism, whatever that is, which no self-respecting wiseass would ever do."
"Therefore, although I admit I've never seen him do anything REALLY freaky, that's obviously what he is... I mean I could see how he could hide it from me."
"This one time," he recalled, "[Bobby] asked me to break a dollar bill into quarters and told me he wanted to go play some pinball at our mini-arcade... but he could have easily used those quarters for something freaky, like.. throwing at babies.. or melting them into unholy idols.. or something."
Opponents of Mr. Trimer's theories often point out that the Council on Classifying College Students may expand their categories by the end of the year to include Goths, a controversial mixture of Geek and Slacker that many experts do not recognize as a separate group. Mr. Trimer, however, is confident that this will not change his analysis.
"Yes," he admits, stroking the stubble on his chin, "[Bobby] DOES have a black jacket... and I think he's downloaded a Marilyn Manson song or two in the past, but I haven't seen him wear black lipstick, spiked collars or read books about black magic."
"Although," he mused, "I suppose thats what he could have been using those quarters on..."